Sunday, October 18, 2009

Glorious (sorry long entry)

I absolutely relish playing the part of the obnoxious opposing fan. I'm not ashamed to say it's a sort of elementary type of pleasure. Like the kind Nelson from the Simpsons gets whenever he says "HA HA!" (Someone needs to invent a legitimate way of expressing stresses for the English language). If you don't know who Nelson is, it's this kid:

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. When I think about who I become when my team is thoroughly thrashing another team that I have a deep hatred for, I see this kid. My inner Nelson comes out. And anyone who's ever seen me at a Cal football game can attest to this (Joann, why are you strangely the first person to come to mind?). When I see this picture, I think of all the times I've run over to a losing team/fan and said something that runs along the lines of "HA HA!" while feeling only a subconscious underdeveloped awareness of how annoying I really am to them.

I'm proud of my Cal Bears. Despite two straight Pac-10 losses in their only games against really good teams. I'm proud of them. They played great today. A few mistakes here and there, but I'm not about to get nitpicky with a team that averaged 3 points a game for the past two. Which brings me back to my original motive for writing this entry.

As you can probably deduce from the above title, I decided to name this entry "Glorious". You see my friends, I reserve this word for days like this. If Cal football would ever happen to knock off USC at the Coliseum (or even at home for that matter), I would consider that glorious. Or if Cal were ever to win the Rose Bowl or win the National Championship, that would be glorious. Oh and every so often, I might use it in a praise song, but that's beside the point.

The point is, today's win was glorious. Why you ask? Why does a Pac-10 win against a 3-3 (0-3 in Pac-10 play--my inner Nelson urged me to include that little snippet) UCLA team gain the title of "glorious"? Because Tedford hadn't won a single game in LA during his Cal tenure. Because for the past 6 years, we've shot ourselves in the foot whenever we came to the Rose Bowl. Because while walking through the golf course toward the Rose Bowl, I felt the giddiness of a superficial 15-year old prepubescent girl wondering whether she'd be prettier than all the other girls at her high school.

Let's just say UCLA ended up being the DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) and we were the pretty girls around her. UCLA made us look good. REAL GOOD. Same goes for the fans. Now I'm all for verbal jousting amongst fans. I think it's part of what make sports so fun to watch. But honestly, if my team gets dominated like it did last week against USC, I shut my mouth and take whatever they give me. If you're going to identify yourself with a team, you better be able to lose graciously WITH them. Now as I've mentioned, I love being the loud-mouth trash talker to fans of the opposing team. Before I continue with some of the best quotes of the day, I'll only prime you by telling you that we won 45-26, and let's be honest UCLA fans, it wasn't nearly as close as even that score may seem.

1. "UCLA...SUCKS!"
That pause after UCLA is crucial. Why? Because you raise your fist in the air and shout "UCLA!!!" as if you're a lowly Bruin fan in order to bait the appropriate response, which is some form of acknowledgment that we belong to the same clan (usually a fist pump and a "YEAH!!!") But little do they know that that "SUCKS!!!" is waiting for them like a fist to the back of the head. BAM!!!! YOU JUST PARTICIPATED IN TRASHING YOUR OWN TEAM!!!! HA HA!!!

2. "Bruins!!! (as a sign of camaraderie), ALL IS NOT LOST!!!...YOU NEVER HAD ANYTHING TO BEGIN WITH!!!
Once again, that pause after "LOST!!!" is absolutely crucial. Why? Because you give them a glimmer of hope for some sort of comfort or consolation after losing (but only for about a second) before slapping them upside the head with the insult that their team had no business hoping for any sort of prize short of a consolation. Oh wait a minute, we don't even give them that. Once again, my inner Nelson. "HA HA!!!"

Now before I move on to my last quote, I'd just like to mention that every so often, a stroke of brilliance comes over me that always leaves me stunned and wondering, "GREAT ODIN'S RAVEN!!!, HOW IN THE WORLD WAS I SO INCREDIBLY...BRILLIANT?!!" (in Ron Burgundy-esque parody). This last quote was produced by one of these moments.

3. Now continuing with the theme of Will Ferrell, imagine me with this look on my face:

What does this face tell you? That's a look of genuine, unmitigated concern. This is the look of a man who has something very important to say and whether or not you believe me, you better listen up because I'm only concerned with your well-being.

Now imagine me running over to the UCLA section with this look on my face after a pick-6 late in the fourth quarter that stuck a dagger through their hearts and shook it all around, tearing apart every single chamber wall of their hearts leaving only a sad, indistinguishable, mutilated pile of human tissue.

Now imagine me shouting "GUYS!!!...GUYS!!!...GUYS!!!" with the above look on my face (Go ahead, scroll up to refresh your memory).

Now imagine me shouting "IT'S OK TO LEAVE NOW!!!...I'M PRETTY SURE!!! IT'S OK TO LEAVE!!! YOU GUYS CAN GO!!!"

Now imagine me shouting "WAIT!!! GUYS!!! WAIT!!!"

before shouting "NEVER MIND!!! IT'S OK TO LEAVE!!! YOU GUYS CAN LEAVE!!!"

I know. I know. My hatred runs deep. But damn it, hatred brings about such great comedy. Now I have one more thing to say before I let you guys go. As I mentioned before, if I'm ever on the losing side of a thrashing like this one, I'll shut up and take what the fans give me. It's common sense really, I mean, what can you really say, right? Your team just lost.

I guess someone in LA didn't get that memo.

Now just like ESPN, I've given you my Top 10, or Top 3 for that matter. Now I give you my 2 worst of the day. As I'm walking out of the Rose Bowl through the tunnel shouting "BACK TO THE BOTTOM BRUINS!!! BACK TO THE BOTTOM!!!" and "I GUESS IT'S NOT THE COACHING HUH?!!!", I hear a sniveling UCLA fan (think Golem from Lord of the Rings) attempt to shout out box scores from the past two weeks in his Peewee herman-like, ring-tone voice.

1. Verbatim, he shouts, "42-0!!! 47-0!!!"
First of all, if you're going to call out box scores, at least get them right. In the words of Jim Calhoun, "GET SOME FACTS AND COME BACK AND SEE ME". I'll reserve my second point for number two since it's overarching.

2. "Well, you guys are like 1-6 in LA"
Do you remember Clueless? You know that movie starring Alicia Silverstone and two other girls that no one knows what happened to? Well, think Clueless when you pronounce that "like" in the above phrase. It was literally just like that. Straight up valley ditz status. Only, it came from a fat, middle-aged, hispanic guy with a full-grown beard. My response to that was: "what does that have anything to do with the fact that you lost today?". Honestly (this is where I address Smigel from Lord of the Rings), anything bad you have to say about the team you just lost to makes your team look even worse. If you're going to shout out box scores from the past two weeks, you're shouting out to the world just how bad your team is, seeing as to how you just got thrashed by a team that lost "42-0, 47-0". If you're going to tell me that we're 1-6 in LA, then you just lost to a team that's 1-6 in LA you pathetic excuse for a college graduate!!! HEY IDIOTS!!! IT DOESN'T TAKE A WHOLE LOT OF BRAIN TO REALIZE THAT THE MORE YOU TRASH TALK, THE LOWER YOU BRING YOUR OWN PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A FOOTBALL TEAM!!!

My love-affair with the caps lock continues.

I can only imagine just how Nelson-like I'll become when we beat USC. Maybe I'll wear a denim vest to the game. I leave you with this.


mikj said...

"And anyone who's ever seen me at a Cal football game can attest to this (Joann, why are you strangely the first person to come to mind?)"
because i'm usually the first one to cringe and turn away in embarrassment.
who could say no to the denim vest idea though.

Richard said...

There's usc fans that piss me off like crazy b/c of the fact that most of them are bandwagoners, didn't go to usc (which, I have NO problem with but it becomes a HUGE problem when you bandwagon), they're idiots (like, they're dumb), they're cocky, etc. But they win, which makes it worse.

But then there are UCLA fans. The one word that describes them: douchebags. It's so appropriate. Most of the things they say make NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. Exhibit #1: those two idiots talking trash after they scored their first td so that the scoreboard showed they TRAILED by 7 points. They were losing wtf?

And the idiot man in the navy blue polo shirt who you called out who just mumbled like crazy some jibberish after we told him to go home. What an idiot.

I think I have to say UCLA fans are the worst group of fans in my book. They're horrible fans to their own team (DISGUSTED looks at me when I broke the silence by clapping and mockingly stating out loud "now THIS is home field advantage") and they're terrible fans to visitors (who the hell talks trash when you lose, honestly...YOU JUST LOST IDIOT).

Most appropriately summed up as our fans would say: F(UCK) UCLA