Thursday, January 31, 2008

Finer Things...Not Really

Oscar from The Office once said that, "Besides having sex with men, the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me". In my opinion, society at large uses the word "gay" rather loosely. Example, a guy who engages in sexual intercourse with other men would, in most circles at least, be considered "gay". But likewise, a guy who enjoys attending ballets on a semi-regular basis would probably also be considered gay in most, but more exclusive circles. As a disclaimer, I want to say that I neither condone or reject homosexual behavior. In fact, what I have to say has nothing to do with homosexuality. Unless you look at the word in the same way that the word gay is being used nowadays. But that'd just be nitpicking.

Anyways, back to Oscar. The gayest thing about me? Aside from the fact that I rolled and "tussled" with members of the same sex in high school?

Korean drama ballads.

That's right, you read the above correctly. I like Korean ballads. You know, the ones with the Korean guy standing in the middle of a brightly lit stage with some form of dyed/highlighted hair holding a mic? No shame in saying it. Simply put, I like the way they sound. You know that song, "I Believe" from My Sassy Girl? Yeah, I like that one too. In fact, sometimes I listen to it on repeat for hours at a time. Ok, maybe not hours, but a few times at least.

I know, pretty gay huh? Now before I go on, let's get a few things straight:

1. I am NOT a hopeless romantic. God, no. I'd rather be branded "gay" in the frat-house humor sense than be labeled a hopeless romantic which is "gay" in a way that gets semi-serious and thus semi-homosexual in the having sex with men kind of way.

2. I listen to other kinds of music too. I like Shania Twain, Dashboard Confessional and Michael Bolton too.

So in closing, aside from going to cheemjeelbang with groups of 3 or more guys, listening to Korean ballads before I go to sleep is the gayest thing about me.

Don't act like you didn't like it.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Down to Earth Marketing

There's a theory that goes with marketing. If you show people Michael Jordan with Jordans on, they're going to want to buy Jordans because, at least subconsciously, in the dark recesses of their minds, they're thinking: "I can be like Mike". Going along with that, if you show people a video of Tiger driving 300 yards with a Nike driver, people are going to want to buy Nike clubs. You get the gist. It's not very hard to grasp.

Now, let's take a look at the devastating consequences of going against the grain. We'll start with something easier to swallow and work our way into the "nitty gritty" as Jack Black so eloquently called it. All taken from the horrendous American Apparel catalog. 

Here's our first example. Seems harmless enough right? Wrong. This guys looks like he straight up crawled out of a Friday night "Cops" marathon. That's right. Cops. Bad Boys, what you want, what you want. Cops. That empty stare is the type of stare that only middle aged men give children playing in a sandbox and I don't even want to know what his hands are doing in his pockets. If that shirt's going to make me look like a child molester, forget it. I'm not even going to comment on the purple pants he's wearing. And who the hell wears neon blue shirts anyway!??! What the FFFFFF?!?

Same story here. This picture looks like it was taken with my 2.0 megapixel phone camera. Give me a break, if you want me to buy your stuff, at least be classy about showing me the goods. This looks like something my dad would wear after yoga class. You know, those shirts from Korea that all ahjuhshees wear. Yeah, you know.

When I saw this picture, one thought came to my mind: "When's his probation?". I never believed that models had any talent whatsoever until I saw this picture. This guy's stare penetrates you literally and figuratively. No really, I feel violated. Get some damn professional models you idiots, not that guy in my English class who smells like the garlic pizza rotting in my kitchen.

Two reactions to this picture: 1. What the hell is my roommate's crotch doing on the American Apparel website? and 2. Note to self: the words "three pack" should never be put anywhere near the vicinity of a crotch (For obvious reasons). I mean give me a break. If you're going to try to sell me underwear, I better see David Beckham's crotch or "crotchal" region covered by it. Don't show me some guy desperately in need of a tanning bed with a groddy happy trail. If I wanted to see this, I could go to Justin's room and look at HIS crotch. In fact, I think he has this pair of underwear in yellow. 

Can you imagine if this philosophy were applied to sports marketing? John Daly in the new Nike Breathe Muscle shirt? Let's not go there. I understand people hate that Hollywood dictates how they should look and what's beautiful, but do you really want to see some morbidly obese guy with a hairy mole on his inner thigh advertising Speedos? I don't. 

Now, I'm not COMPLETELY against down-to-earth marketing. I think it could work. But American Apparel was way off the dot.